Family Pictures

Tiny Fingers and Toes

The Birth of Tobias

Family of Four, Day 1

People have a lot of ideas about what childbirth is or should be like; usually the story is a bit scary and almost always painful. Too often, in the face of various medical interventions, the mother becomes passive in her role in childbirth. I wish there was more awareness and acceptance of a different narrative, one that embraces the power and joy of labor and birth, and one that respects but assumes the need for medical interventions to be rare.

When I was pregnant with Talya, I put out some effort "training" for labor and birth. Alex and I attended twelve weeks of childbirth preparation classes which focused especially on the partner's role in supporting a woman in labor. We also hired a doula (a non-medical labor support person) to help us prepare and to accompany us in labor and birth. I was fit and regularly participated in prenatal yoga classes, and at home, practiced relaxation. I had a very positive sense of anticipation to experience birth. Still, I noticed myself censoring this positive attitude because, after all, this was my first child and what could I say to another woman or doctor who suggested that I "just didn't know what I was getting in for"?

It turns out that the span of thirty hours that I labored before Talya's birth were among the most precious and joyful hours of my life. I worked hard, was extremely fatigued and sometimes discouraged, but what moved in me the most was a sense of wonder that I was about to meet my child, face to face, and an even greater sense of wonder that I was so close to God's creative act of bringing forth life. The only tears I remember experiencing were inspired by this sense of wonder.

This time, I intentionally did not censor my sense of positive anticipation. Someone couldn't suggest that I didn't know what I was getting in for. I knew I could experience a long and sometimes quite difficult labor with a sense of gratitude and joy. I knew there was a slight possibility that I could experience a situation requiring hospital care (in planning a home birth this time, I knew I statistically had a 5% chance of requiring a hospital transfer). Mostly, I had confidence that my body fully knew what to do.

I prepared again with relaxation exercises, especially using hypnosis techniques. We hired a doula again. And, we planned a waterbirth at home. Although I had very few objective complaints about my experience in the hospital with Talya's birth, I felt that all the nurses running about chatting loudly while checking vital signs, the bright lights, offers for pain medication that I didn't want, and large shiny instruments all over the place were distracting and unnecessary. I also knew that a homebirth midwife carried all of the standard emergency equipment (for resuscitation, etc.) that a hospital labor and delivery room had. And, I remember especially disliking the experience of driving around while in labor and couldn't think of a better reason to stay home in my own P.J.'s in the environment that was most comfortable for me.

I never said Talya's birth was painless, just that it was positive, joyful, and powerful. But I find myself describing Tobias' birth as peaceful, easy, and yes, even painless. I also felt that it was covered by the Lord's protection and provision in all of the details. I experienced a few hours of pre-labor (or Braxton Hicks) contractions on Saturday and Sunday the weekend before. On Saturday, I thought the baby would probably come the next day, but on Sunday things really subsided. These came back around 5:30pm on Wednesday. When I checked the clock, they were anywhere from 5-20 minutes apart and only about 30 seconds long. I had a sense that they would lead into active labor in the next day or so, but imagined getting a reasonable night sleep beforehand. I did some reading in bed that night and dozed off a few times in between contractions, but a little bit before midnight realized that I was getting pretty focused on these surges and should get Alex's (who was frantically trying to complete a work related task on his computer) attention and ask him to make some phone calls. I also had a strong sense that this was going to go fast. Dr. Cathy (midwife) arrived a little after 1am, and Naomi (doula) arrived around 1:30am. By this point, I had lost my sense of time, so anything about the clock that I record is what I learned after the labor haze was over and my cognitive brain was back on duty.

Perhaps because it was the quiet, dark, and undisturbed middle of the night, perhaps because I was alone with only one or two people in the room with me at a time, or perhaps because I had prepared well enough to be totally un-selfconscious, I found it easy to turn off my cognitive brain and follow my body. I found myself humming sacred music, tuning into hypnosis cues, and rocking my hips through the contractions. A couple of times, my midwife had to ask me when I was having contractions because I was so relaxed through them. She and Alex sometimes hummed or quietly sang hymns along with me. When she was trying to assess (based on rectal pressure, which suggests that the birth is immanent) whether it was time to page the second attendant, she asked me how the pressure was, and I said "oh, just great" referring to the gentle massage counter pressure she applied to my lower back. I was nicely in a blur with my body's naturally produced endorphins, I guess. At 1:30am, I was 4 cm open and at about 3:45am, I was 7cm. Given a technical glitch of not having a faucet adapter for the hose that worked for our sink, Naomi was heroically trying to fill (from the garden) and get the water in the birth pool to the appropriate temperature (with canning pots of boiling water) for most of this time. Alex and Cathy took turns helping her and providing support (or, checking heart tones) to me. Talya woke up at 3:30am and I was a bit nervous that nobody had arrived that would be attending to her, but she fell right into the relaxed groove of this middle-of-the-night birth and I found her accepting, curious presence to be a great comfort. I spent some time leaning over her enormous stuffed turtle while laboring and she made herself comfortable sitting on its head, while talking to me, rubbing my head, or singing.

Finally, the water was warm enough to actually get into the birth pool just before 4am. Technically, I guess I was in the "transition" phase of labor at this point, but what I remember was an almost blissful sense of comfort when I got into that soft pool of warm water. It was so great to have Alex and Talya right there on each side of me. Alex recited some Scriptural meditations and Talya sang, chatted, and curiously observed.

A Family Affair

Usually, when someone is in active labor, things slow down for a few minutes upon entering warm water. Things moved right on ahead this time and they clearly would have whether the pool was ready for us or not, so I was feeling really glad that I got to float through this. I also could feel the baby moving down pretty quickly and knew that there had been a bit of a hangup contacting the second attendant (Cathy had to go four people down the list!) and I worried that I would have to cross my legs or something. Cathy reassured me that I could keep following my body, the second attendant would be there soon enough, and that I wouldn't have to wait even if she hadn't arrived yet. Within a couple of minutes (I think the midwife recorded this in her notes as 4:13am and the doula as 4:05am), I heard myself making rather primal vocalizations along with feeling an intense sense of power to bear down. This kind of caught me by surprise as I expected to at least be aware that I was going to start pushing before I did. This was the first time throughout the whole labor that I exerted any effort. The rest of the time was about letting go and relaxing and it felt good to have something to do and this overwhelming sense of strength to do it. Incidentally, the second attendant walked in the front door right after I started bearing down. Good timing.

When I felt the baby's head, I had a brief sense of panic for the first time in the whole labor, and realized that this was a bit of a trauma memory from Talya's birth when I was trying to tell a cranky nurse that I knew the baby was coming NOW and she was busy telling me that it would take several hours and wouldn't call the OB until the head was crowning. As it turned out in Talya's birth, the OB walked into the room right after her head emerged and I sustained significant tearing as a result of the quickness of her delivery. This time, Cathy encouraged me to keep my own hands on Toby's head and to ease him out s-l-o-w-l-y while she also helped guide him. I relaxed as soon as I felt the reassurance that someone was helping me slow this down, and that I could assist as much with my own hands. Between pushing, Talya teased me with "hello red faced mommy!"

Power to Bear Down

To my awareness, my water had never broken throughout labor. When I felt Toby's head, I wondered if my water had broken when I was pushing, but I also wondered if the amniotic sac could still be intact. Surprisingly, given the rarity of this, it was! Not only was Tobias born from water into water, he stayed in his own sac of water until Cathy opened it up for him to take his first breath. It was so amazing to see this perfectly protected whole baby emerge in his water-veil, just the way he was cozied up inside. Cathy told me later that this was her 5th caul birth, which is about a 1% rate for her. Given that she doesn't artificially rupture the membranes unless there is a medical necessity to do so, this probably represents the statistical probability of caul births unlike the 1 in 80,000 that wiki reports, which reflects the common practice among caregivers of artificially rupturing the membranes. While the picture below wouldn't win any prizes, I think it is appropriate that we were all blurry except our beautiful focal point of Tobias' shiny, membrane-protected head.

4:30am: Born in the Caul-How Awesome!

Membranes Removed; Time to Try those Lungs!

Snuggle Up with Mama

We waited several minutes for the umbilical cord to stop pulsating before clamping it. Toby had great color and was able to benefit from extra oxygen this way until his breathing was well established. I didn't get to see the cord-cutting as closely with Talya's birth but was amazed this time at how strong it was, kind of like cutting cartilage on a chicken. With a little guidance from Cathy, Daddy did the honors.

Cutting the Cord

After little Tobes got disconnected from the cord, he could change arms and snuggle with Daddy. It almost looks like he has a bit of a smirk, doesn't it?

Snuggle with Daddy

Finally in the arms of Big Sis, Talya

As I said before, I loved having Talya around for this birth. She was fully integrated into the experience and got to welcome this new baby without being separated from us and without the confusing mystery of what exactly happens to produce a baby from a round tummy (before this, she had witnessed the birth of baby pigs and read books and seen videos about birth). She seemed wise beyond her years, and at the same time very much a 3 1/2 year old. Since Toby insisted on being born with his hand holding his head, I still sustained some tearing that required suturing afterward. True to the developmentally expected awareness of a 3 1/2 year old, Talya was oblivious to the fact that I was being sewn up after the birth (which was undoubtedly more uncomfortable to me than the birth itself), and excitedly asked if we could please go to the park and play play doh "RIGHT NOW?!" A couple of hours later she asked why my tummy was still big even though the baby was out. Apparently, I provided better birth preparation for this kid than postpartum preparation!!! Anyway, I was quite glad that Aunty Rachel had since arrived and had the energy and physical ability to take Talya to the park and play with play doh while Alex and I took a nap.

It couldn't be a birth-day without a cake to celebrate. Well, it could, but it wouldn't be as much fun. Lita, Talya, and Aunty Rachel took care of the honors to frost and decorate a yummy carrot cake and we all got to sing Happy Birthday to little Toby.

Birth-Day Cake

During this birth experience, I felt like I was witnessing and participating in a poetic miracle, in awe of God's creative act and the chance to touch it so closely. The dark, quiet night was peaceful and undisturbed and after Toby was born, we got to feel the warm glow of the sunrise from the kitchen windows, leading to the most beautiful Spring day we had had yet this season.

It was a quiet and intimate experience with fewer people than we even expected given the hour of the day. My mom arrived 7 minutes after Tobias was born, Rachel came an hour or so later, and my dad and brother Andrew came to meet Tobias later in the morning. The Kwee grandparents were able to meet Toby almost immediately via Skype, and within a few days, he had met almost all the rest of our siblings.

I am deeply grateful to all of you for your support and prayers and the love with which you have welcomed Tobias into your lives. We were definitely aware that the Kwee grandparents' whole Bible Study was meeting and praying for us--in a very different time zone--during our short and peaceful labor, and praise God for his distinctly felt blessing on this time.

Toby has yet to be out and about in the big world (though he is scheduled to attend a thesis defense with me tomorrow morning), and is for now thriving on his big tasks of eating, burping, pooping, and most of all bonding with us all. After an initial loss of five ounces from his birthweight during his first 24 hours, he gained a pound in the next week. This gain in one week's time is just about the same as my weight gain over the 9 months of my entire pregnancy, relative to each of our starting body weights. A talented little boy, indeed...

Introducing Tobias Joshua Kwee

Tobias Joshua Kwee

Tobias ~ "Yahweh is good" from the Hebrew biblical name "Toviyah" (טוביה)

Joshua ~ from the Hebrew Yehoshua (יהושע), meaning "Jehovah is salvation" or "YHWH's gift"

Born on Thursday, May 12, 2011 at 4:30am

6 lbs, 1 oz., 19 3/4 in.

Born in the caul, Tobias literally came to us on Thursday morning as a present to unwrap (which the midwife skilfully and quickly assisted with!).

We pray that, as Toby's name means, his life would bear witness to the goodness of the Lord and his gifts of life and salvation.

For a sneak peak at some pictures taken by our photographer on Friday, see her blog at http://www.liannatrue.com/2011/05/tobias-joshua/ We'll share more when we get the images ourselves.

Hanging with the Kwees

With grandparents Kwee and Uncle David's family

I love Auntie Ah Kee, faithful housekeeper of the Kwees and part of the family

Having a power breakfast with Auntie Ming as we do important things on our laptops

Cousins Chris and Cheryl serenading Auntie Ah Kee for her birthday

We are the youngest generation...

We are the future!!

Auntie Ming

Auntie Ming lives in Sydney. She came over to visit me over Christmas when I was in Singapore. We try to out-silly each other every time. It's always a draw.

Silly Auntie Ming!

Silly Talya!

Dave and Lynne's visit to Singapore

It was wonderful to have Dave and Lynne join us in Singapore this past Christmas (I know, I know, it's the month of May....but the baby is about to be born so it's either catch up on the blog now or wait till he turns 18 and we have free time again). Anyway, here are some highlights of their trip:

Strolling by the Singapore River

Indian curry at the Apolo Banana Leaf

Open-air shopping

Breakfast at the market

At the zoo

Shopping for durians (much coveted spiky fruit with flavor and smell variously described as "sewage" or "rotting flesh"). This was in Singapore's red light district, no less.

Dave having his first (maybe last?) taste of said durian

Jungle walking

Al fresco dining at Newton hawker centre

Buddies, buddies, buddies...

I love watching Talya and Isaac play together. They carry on with surprising camaraderie and cooperation and are incredibly imaginative in everything they do together. Here, while having warm foot baths to recover from their freezing (and eventually rainy) play session in the sandbox, they decided they were both "faucet doctors" (I guess that's what they call plumbers?) and took turns fixing--and spraying water all over my kitchen!!!!--the faucet. It was very cute to watch, until I, being the annoyingly practical and perhaps intolerant parent that I can be, decided that there was enough water to wipe up already and it was time to get dressed again.

Nesting

If nesting comes with an irrepressible urge to prepare food in bulk, I guess I have the disease. Here, Talya poses for a stir of mass-produced granola. Mmm...looks as yummy as it smells.

Spring in the Garden

Welcome to our Home!
This year has been unseasonably COLD, but we are so glad to have so many things blooming. The front porch rocking chairs are begging to be sat on, but even with blankets, we still aren't feeling the temptation--at all. Today, the day before Mother's Day, Talya and I went walking with gloves on and hoodies pulled over our heads. Even so, her nose was red and drippy after an especially lengthy time on the swing. I love the colors of these tulips from Dad and Mom. And the colors everywhere seem to burst just a little extra right now. Even simple pansies are a bit magical in the afternoon light. This Espaliade Asian Pear tree is generous with its blossoms. We wonder if we'll get any samples from it in its second year in our garden. Last year, from the baby fruit trees we planted, we ceremoniously enjoyed one Jonagold apple in early Fall. But the trees are so beautiful and promising of fruit in the future. The combination of indoor and outdoor herb planters is making cooking more fun these days. When I was out of commission with morning sickness in the Fall, I so grossly neglected every living thing that I don't think a single plant survived in my home (and I learned that Alex doesn't tend to notice those things in general, because he couldn't claim morning sickness as an excuse). At least my family members managed to stay alive. These kitchen herbs are new starts this Spring, and I hope to keep up with the basics of watering them even after the baby arrives. (: This kitchen window picture was taken in the afternoon, but the delicate green herbs are especially beautiful when the morning sun shines through this east window.

Bedtime

Some may be wondering what has happened to the namesake of this blog. Well, Xanakatt gets mellower as she grows older, though for an old cat (she is now around 13) she is surprising fleet footed when the door is open even for a second. The occasional wanderlust notwithstanding, Xana is very much of a homebody. Among her favorite times in the Kwee household is Talya's bedtime. As Talya gets older, Xana finds her more safe to be around since Talya has cultivated an appropriately healthy fear of her teeth (which, incidentally, is never aggressively bared or used, only to fend off the affections of a sometimes rough child). Now that boundaries have been established, Xana actually quietly tolerates a lot of manhandling from Talya. She is easily forgiving of her younger human sister, as demonstrated by her willingness to help coax Talya to sleep by cuddling up next to her.